I am an Earth sign, if astrology charts are to be believed, and while there is a certain truth to the characteristics I am supposed to possess as a Capricorn (fierce loyalty, the need for security), my preferred earth is of the sandy variety, and there is a deep longing in me to be close to water. I don’t remember a time when I couldn’t swim, or a moment near the lake or the ocean that didn't soothe me.
Today, on the first full day of my winter break, the dog and I disappeared for an afternoon stroll by the lake. It was a profound moment to be alone with him by the shoreline, just the two of us and a cluster of swans. The waves were gentle, the sun shone brightly, and despite the below-freezing temperatures, the hour-long walk brought me calm and joy. It reminded me that my year is ending on a high note, and that I have much to look forward to. I’ve got a book to finish, and for the first time in almost 20 months, I feel ready to tackle it and give it my full attention. After many false starts, this is a major mental victory.
2014 has been a year of stark contrasts: in the end, the light drove away the darkness, but there were moments when I doubted the outcome. Two people in particular caused me tremendous stress and pain, one in my professional life and the other on a personal level. They were both toxic and destructive in different ways, but luckily were only around for a few short years before inflicting their damage. They have now been removed from my life permanently and I feel lighter and happier for their absence. It is for them a blessing that I will never have to see them again because I would likely be tempted to seek revenge for the enormity of harm they have caused me and friends I care about. That too, is apparently a classic Capricorn response. Hurting me is bad enough, but hurting others is unpardonable.
While I’ve tried to I think of them as deeply flawed women who deserve my forgiveness, I’m afraid I haven’t yet found the grace to excuse their narcissistic and sociopathic behaviours. Perhaps that’s a tall order with the wounds so raw, despite the time of year. I’m satisfied enough to have let go of the past and accepted that I cannot change anything that's happened, and I hope that others affected by their negativity will be able to do the same. The goodwill may have to wait a bit longer, I’m afraid.
Despite the rough patches, the light of others shone very brightly this year, and I am very grateful for the beautiful friends, family, and places who helped me through them. As we celebrate the return of the sun tomorrow with the winter solstice, I think back to the many healing moments the last six months have given me: July was the summer start in New York City, followed by a magnificent adventure to Scotland where I spent three weeks having the time of my life with my husband and some new, wonderful friends. In October, a quick weekend in Chicago reminded me why it’s important to seize the chance to meet new friends and enjoy life. In between these little foreign escapades, I had many local angels who were supportive.
The magical Kelpies at Grangemouth, Scotland.
The river Tay and surrounding hills, Scotland.
To the old and new friends who crossed my path positively this year: the world is a gentler place because of your continued kindness, and the best way I can repay you all is by following your lead. Thank you for your example, and I’ll try to work on that goodwill and forgiveness thing. Maybe that will be my 2015 resolution. To those of you still hurting, just remember that only light can drive out darkness, and that stars can’t shine without it. You deserve the best, so reach out to the stars nearby if you need to.
Happy Solstice, and Slainte Mhath to you all.
