I'd seen menopause coming. Perhaps if I'd known what I was in for, I might have made a greater effort to fight it or at least contain some of its effects. I ended up with higher highs, lower lows, and a level of manic, frantic energy that often made me say and do impulsive, foolish things. If I's been able to prevent some of them, I would not have hurt a few important people as much as I ended up doing.
I had patience and could handle unfinished business. But I don't, and I can't. It's my most frustrating flaw, and I've yet to figure out how to silence the voice that nags at me to hurry up and resolve things when they aren't ready for it. It's the same voice that makes it hard for me to let things go, to let them unfold, and I hate it more than anything else about myself.
I could just disappear for another year like I did for the 2011-2012. I'm not sure I have it in me anymore to keep doing what I do for a living in current conditions. Another year away would perhaps give me answers in that regard.
I had handled certain relationships differently in the last year and a half. I know I didn't balance most of them properly, and that my attentions were sometimes too intense towards some of them, and too flippant with others.
I could still my mind. It never stops thinking, doubting, dreaming, asking, wanting. No wonder I have so many headaches.
I could adequately convey to my husband how much he has saved me from myself and from my own despair this year. He is the best thing in the world, and I hope I tell him enough times for him to realize how much I adore him and would be lost without him.
For everyone to be happy. Including me.
5 comments:
In ways I relate especially menopause. The change. I was always so calm. Nothing bothered me or upset me like things cam now. I find myself saying many times this is not me. And at work trying to learn new things for lots of cross training, some times I think what is wrong with me that it takes longer on some jobs to learn. It is nice to know someone else can relate. I know I am not losing my mind. Hugs Keep Smiling. ;)
"This is not me." I have said this to myself about myself so many times in the last year. I hope my mind is coming back soon.
There was a moronic debate on BBC Radio 2 (UK) today about the supposed “fact” men can have post natal depression. Yeh right. Along with cramps and PMT I’m sure. Glad to hear you have a “man-up” supportive kind of husband during this menopausal stage. The price women pay for being the Life Bringers eh? Not fair.
Menopause has a lot to answer for, doesn't it Anne Marie. Like Kitty, I understand that only too well, especially the reactions to things you can't explain and are so uncharacteristic. But my heart goes out to you for all the friends you've lost. I've watched your heartbreak over the last year and felt your feelings of helplessness and rage at the injustice of it all.
This menopause is an insane ride. I am sorry you have lost close relationships. It truly feels like you are losing your mind. And you find yourself being a way, that you are conscious of, but cannot help being. I am on the other side of the crazy, not to say it is over yet. I just don't feel as manic, I have had to do a lot of soul searching, trying to find that peace and a bit of happy. I have a long way to go. It is refreshing to hear your story. For so many of us feel alone in this menopause. It is wonderful your husband has stood by you and loves you so much, that is a blessing.
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