Letting Go

I'm back from a four-day weekend in NYC and entering a month of needing to get a lot of things done before leaving for a three and a half week vacation in early August. The to-do list is huge, with the completion of my novel being, perhaps strangely, at the bottom of the pile. Professionally, I have a new classroom and programs to set up, and every last detail must be in place before we leave for Scotland because of our very late return to Toronto (one day before school begins—is anyone surprised?)  On the home front, we've had minor but time-consuming renovations and improvements to all three levels of the house, some to repair damage from last year's summer flood (the new basement floor), some cosmetic (painting, removal of carpets, and installation of new flooring), some to create a more functional space (new wrap-around shelving in the basement and storage room) and some to add beauty and ambience to the garden. With all these changes has come the need to declutter, reorganize, and purge unneeded items. It's a major, on-going job that demands a systematic sweep of each room and a lot of patience. It will also take a lot of time and effort, and seems rather overwhelming at the moment.

The sun going down as we made our final approach into Toronto last night. Beautiful, isn't it?



On the personal front, I've got a similar theme for the month of July. It's been a year of amazing highs and devastating lows, of relationships and friendships made, lost, and stalled. I've decided to stop punishing myself for what I may have done wrong or what I should have approached differently. Regret is a waste of energy that only eats you up and clouds your hope for the future. More importantly, I've realized that I need to let go of what I can't control: the destructive jealousy, envy, and fearfulness of a few people have hurt me these past few months, but all I can do is acknowledge that it happened, forgive, and move on. For the worry that has come with not knowing what is going on in other people's lives because they've withdrawn to regroup or recover, I need to step back and just hope that they are all happy or working towards that goal, and that everything will work itself out in the end. It is a difficult lesson to learn, this art of letting go, but at the heart of it is the essential truth that nothing stays the same and that we must accept change as the only constant in our lives and make peace with it. As I said, I'm working on it and hope my hiccups will be few.

My time in NYC, busy and light and fun (well, except for the visit to the 9/11 Memorial, which gives you a whole other perspective and helps get your head out of your ass) and healing, allowed me to shake the heavy dust of my emotional end to the school year before it settled on my skin. I'm excited about my new position for September, and though I will miss some people I really love, the change will be good for me. If nothing else, it's going to force me to control my potty mouth because I will be with younger children.  I'm also looking forward to our August vacation, and the construction of our itinerary is going to begin with a trip to the bookstore to purchase a tourist guide in the next few days. At the pace I've set for myself these next 5 and a half weeks, I have a feeling the unfinished manuscript is going into my carry-on. And that's totally fine. In fact, it's exactly how I want it.