The Road to Peace

Since early July and my last post, I made the decision to address the core feeling that has paralyzed me my entire life, which is my overwhelming concern for those I care about the most when things go awry for them. Worrying these past few weeks was seemingly only good for my waistline, which is frankly a poor reason to continue to accept self-destructive behaviour in myself. 

The first step came when I understood on a deeper level that worry is a secondary emotion driven by a primary one, which in many cases is fear. My fear has always manifested itself when those I love are hurting or going through difficult situations, and it's usually that I won’t be able to help them, or that I will lose them in some way. It is a powerful force, except that in the end, my fear activates a profound worry that ends up being debilitating and sends me on a collision course with anxiety. 

Partly through the month, it was making me ill and I didn’t want to be a burden to those in my close circle of friends who were interacting with me and seeing me so upset. I started to seek out ways to climb out of the negative feedback loop so I could be less anxious about the things I couldn’t control. I made a short list of why it was important to be relaxed, and found that being calmer had a plethora of side benefits, including better sleep, greater clarity and focus (always a bonus to this ADHD-addled brain of mine), and that it allowed me to notice and then appreciate the beautiful things that were happening around me. I realised that I wanted all those changes to happen permanently, and felt that I’d come to a point in my life where I needed to stop being paralyzed into worry by my fears.

So I went to work on finding inner peace. 

I started by taking deep breaths each morning at the far back of the garden. I sat in the lounging chair on a quiet wood deck surrounded by hydrangeas and the sound of birds above me in the tree, and followed a 21-day meditation program that reawakened the connection between my physical, mental and spiritual selves. It reminded me of the purpose of true love for myself and others, of the infinite possibilities that lie before us, and directed my own broken self back on the healing road by teaching me that worrying for others does not affect or change their situation, but instead limits my abilities to help them in any way by robbing me of energy, focus, and strength. Bit by bit, one day at a time, the recitation of mantras and the follow-up journal questions I had to answer allowed me to reach a place where I was able to let go of previous behaviours and focus on accepting that the essence of our being is inner peacefulness, despite the storms that rage within us or around us. Always the mermaid, I liken us to the sea, which is silently still beneath the crashing of waves above it. I also learned to see that these waves land where they will, often unpredictably, and that we must accept this.

I went back to keeping a daily journal, sorting out some of my complicated feelings and facing my fears directly. In doing so, I released all the responsibility from those I was worried about, and took charge of my own emotions so that I could let them go. I accompanied each entry with what I called my “lyric of the day”, because music has always played a role in managing my emotions. I ended up creating playlists that helped me get through difficult self-realisations and gently accept the changes I needed to make.

I made sure to exercise each day, at the pool, on the tennis court, walking the dog, or just puttering outside in the garden under warm, blue skies, and the sunshine and movement kept me engaged and distracted from what had been weighing on my mind. In the end, eating well and taking care of my physical self, as suggested by the meditation and journal questions, also became part of a great wellness routine, and slowly the worries were replaced by gentler thoughts.

What is undeniable is that some of the opportunities we encounter in life come at the right time for us if we pay attention to clues in our surroundings and trust our intuition. While the first month of summer brought me to familiar dark places in my own head, there was a revolt brewing inside of me, as though my deeper self was nudging me to change from within.  I trusted my inner voice when she finally said, “Enough. You’ve spent your whole life worrying about others and it has made you drown in despair again and again. Not this time, and not anymore. We are going to be and do better.” There was an urgency in the plea, as though my future happiness was dependant on finally overcoming this limitation that had held me back since early adulthood.

So I listened, and then made changes, because I sensed the forces guiding me through this knew I needed this issue resolved for what lies ahead. Given the challenges we are facing as a society for the foreseeable future, it couldn’t have happened at a better time, but this monumental shift in my own headspace is also going to matter the most to those who are closest to me. I am going to be able to help those I love without sacrificing my own well-being from now on, and this changes everything: I am finally equipped to return their kindness without losing myself in worry and anxiety, which will also spare them needlessly feeling that they have caused me any suffering. This alone brings me such joy and is worth every effort I’ve made to get where I am now. My heart is full, and I’m ready to be the best kind of friend they all deserve me to be for them.